Friday, 17 September 2010

WW1 Described In Terms As A Bar Fight


Sent to MAC by Mal Wright and as he said quite a good laugh.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of
the bar-room, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's
pint.Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because
there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its
support for Austria's point of view.Britain recommends that
everyone calm down a bit.Serbia points out that it can't afford a
whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.Russia
and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.
Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.
Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling
it to do so.Germany appeals to Britain that France has been
looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain
should not intervene.Britain replies that France can look at who it
wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is
Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop
looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of
such action.Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking
at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper.
When they come back,Turkey makes a show of not looking at
anyone.Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and
punches Belgium.France and Britain punch Germany. Austria
punches Russia.Germany punches Britain and France with one
hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at
Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from
the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there.
Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.Australia punches
Turkey,and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings,
because Britain made Australia do it.France gets thrown through
a plate glass window,but gets back up and carries on fighting.
Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers
brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over
anyway.Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room
chanting.America waits till Germany is about to fall over, then walks
over,waves a fist at Germany while Britain knocks it out, then
pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are
broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered.Britain, France
and America agree that Germany threw the first punch,so the
whole thing is Germany's fault.While Germany is still unconscious,
they go through its pockets,steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all
their friends.

Nobody comes out of it looking particularly good.

4 comments:

Nebris said...

Oh, dear.

Tas said...

My favourite bits is:
"Australia punches Turkey,and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it."
:-D

Don M said...

What was left out was the Japanese keeping all of Germany's possessions
that fell out of his pockets on their side of the bar....)

Drew said...

"Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium."
Yes, it is a tragedy, but I just couldn't stop laughing. Thank you for this post, you made my day.

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!