Sunday, 28 December 2014

Lord Coxswain: The Man, The Myth, The Muttonchops

Lord Coxswain is a mysogonistic xenophobe of the great-white-hunter-who-shoots-everything trope and is thus hailed as 'undoubtedly Earth's greatest Human'.  Passionate admirer of dusky maidens and terror to Johnny Alien, he is at home in the Venusian jungles hunting down rebels and wildlife alike as he is crushing dissidents on the Moon.  He is the self proclaimed icon of humanitarian supremacy as he crushes all before him with his pith helmet, pipe and a brace of patented Dr Grordbort's contrapulations and ray guns.

A former Navy man and a veteran of many minor tiffs and battles, his adventures are not for the faint hearted. Indeed they have been described as 'full of violence, bad language, interplanetary racism and a little sprinkling of smut, so you get what you pay for.'

So why am I bothering to describe this blatantly heroic chap?  Principally because he stars in a range of interplanetary pictures and books sponsored by Dr Grordbort himself.  'Victory', 'Triumph' and 'Onslaught' comprise the three books thus far.

'Onslaught' is the latest addition to the series, but is also a bit of a compilation of the previous ones also so if you have the first two volumes you'll be familiar with a lot of it.  Nevertheless, these are a belly shaking journey through everything that is so right and wrong about VSF (though arguably this is WW1 era fiction).
Lord C valiantly defends a Moon Maiden
He is so heroic, in fact, that he has his own beer! This was indeed made in New Zealand:

Let us be honest, it’s damned thirsty work for those smashing chaps of the Earth’s Armed Forces. Spending your days up to your danglies in mud and razor wire while bringing a bit of civilizing influence to those ugly Venusian brutes can leave a chap parched.
That’s where His Majesty’s Brewing Corps comes in. How’s your average tommy meant to go over the top if he hasn’t had a bloody good pint or two of warm bitter to get his ardor up! It’s brewing at the pointy end.
Believe me, you’ve not brewed until you’ve whipped up a cheeky little robust porter while crouching in a crater, swathed in chlorine gas and surrounded by angry Venusian spear chuckers. That sorts the men from the boys, I’ll tell you!
Want to taste Victory? Why not try a couple of the liquid offerings whipped up by the boys of the Brewing Corps?
Lord Cockswain’s Courage
Brewed using five different malts, Khargunthi hops, black strap molasses, bull’s testosterone and a thousand yard stare, Cockswain’s Courage is as black as space and at 6.3% abv guaranteed to warm the cockles. Rich and complex (unlike the lads in the Brewing Corps) there’s also a merry hint of toasted oak after some poor blighter’s wooden leg was blown clean off and landed in the fermenter!
It tastes like War!

I will most definitely be putting together a Company list for IHMN for Lord C and his cronies (who are inevitably short-lived despite a lack of a 'red shirt').  Lord C is typified here in action on a big game hunt on Venus;

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!