Monday, 19 June 2006




The War Cabinet has issued the following communique and we have been instructed to publish the contents contained therein in their entirety.

"At 3 O’clock this morning, GMT, the armed forces of the Ottoman Turkish Empire launched a massive and surprise attack against Imperial positions along the Nile Delta in Egypt. This coincided with large-scale assaults against positions along the Suez Canal, in conjunction with indiscriminate bombing raids directed at Port Sudan, Cairo, Port Said and Khartoum. Air attacks were also reported against naval installations as well as several military and civilian aerodromes. The attack on the Nile Delta was carried out by crack Jannisary formations and was supported by heavy Land Ironclad regiments and with close aerial support provided by the Ottoman Air Fleet. Fighting has been very heavy and in spite of operating under the dual handicaps of being both severely outnumbered and having been taken completely by surprise, Imperial forces have inflicted significant losses on the invading formations. For tactical reasons it has been deemed necessary for the Imperial forces currently in action to retire to alternate positions, thereby maintaining communications with the Sudan Field Force."

"Details of the various attacks are at the present time, unconfirmed, but it is almost certain that the Suez Canal has in fact, fallen. Imperial troops are understood to be falling back under extreme pressure along the entire length of this vital waterway; as a result of this units of the Red Sea Fleet have been placed on full alert. Similarly, both the Sudan and the Somaliland Field Forces have been mobilised with all leave being cancelled and the program of receptions planned to celebrate the arrival of the Australian Squadron has been, regrettably, postponed."
"Reinforcements are being despatched from all corners of the Empire to increase the size of both the Sudan and Somaliland Field Forces; prior to the commencement of operations against the Turkish aggressor. As a result of these attacks; Her Majesties Government has announced that unrestricted hostilities against the said Turkish aggressor are to commence forthwith."
"Further details will be made available at the appropriate time."

The editorial staff of this august journal would like to remind our readers that prior to this unprecedented development the forces of Her Britannic Majesty were operating at a much lower scale of operations. In fact, it would be fair to say the scale of military and naval activity was more within keeping with the role of an international policeman. It is true that a state of war existed between the Empire and that of the Turks but with certain, clearly defined conditions applied. The resultant agreement was unique in international diplomacy and was intended to serve as a model by which minor disagreements between nations could be resolved without the full horror of wholesale military action taking place. By mutual agreement, hostile activity was limited to the Red Sea area and both powers saw fit to ensure, by the most strenuous means possible, that the spectre of escalation was kept firmly in check. Indeed, both powers actively discouraged allies from taking common cause in this affair. Clearly the Government of the Sublime Porte saw fit to honour these obligations only for as long as was convenient whilst they were secretly making their nefarious plans.

By their damnable action; callously executed with scant regard for the protocol of international diplomacy and fairness, they have demonstrated to the whole world that they are incapable of observing the most basic principles of decency and honour associated with a civilised nation.
The editorial staff of this august journal staff have also made strenuous efforts to ensure that as many lines of communication from the theatre of war are kept open for as long as possible, in compliance with the request of the War Cabinet.

Further details will be published as soon as they are available.


1 comment:

Tas said...

Let us hope the Australian Welcoming ceremonies will not be put off for long!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!