Monday, 19 February 2007

The International League of Esteemed Leviathan Hunters

Honoured Patron: Sir Rupert Utterly-Barkinge

The International League of Esteemed Leviathan Hunters welcomes its members, current and retired, and their honoured guests. The Executive Council hopes that your visit to the Clubrooms will be socially enjoyable and that your unique and treasured trophies will continue to gain the admiration they deserve.

Pull up a comfortable leather padded chair next to the roaring open fire, and let our domestic staff serve you a snifter of cognac while you catch up on the latest news and intrigue of Leviathan hunting!

Who We Are

The International League of Esteemed Leviathan Hunters is an organization founded on the highest virtues of gentlemanly (and more frequently gentlewomanly) conduct whilst involved in the pursuit of slaying rather enormous quarry. It preserves a legacy that has been in existence ever since man first grasped a spear, but which has at times been banished by those who wish to pursue less sporting methods of finding and killing their prey. Our members loathe such uncivil shortcomings and strive to achieve their personal goals through the most noble and pompous methods possible.
Established by our founder Sir Rupert Utterly-Barkinge, the clubrooms of our noble League are located in London, though smaller affiliates are located in other civilised cities.

What we Offer

Customized hunts for Year-Round Adventure, and a civilised setting in which to discuss the hi-jinx and hillarity of hunting Leviathans from throughout the Ages.

We offer many different packages to accommodate the member's desires including diplomatic gratuities, exclusive group leases and fully guided hunts. Hunt from of our secret lodges or stay in our remote cabins or tent camps. The League can furnish everything but personal gear, manservants, gun bearers and any specifically eccentric needs. We provide all lodging and food, native porters and transportation. We box and ship your meat and trophies anywhere you desire and our skilled Taxidermy services are also available.

Wide ranging payment options are available, including any European currency, gold and diamonds or government bearer bonds (and no, we don't want to know where you got them from).

League Charter and Membership Requirements

Prospective members of this august body must be sponsored by a current League member and be screened for acceptance by the Membership Secretary. Indeed this League makes no hesitation to extend membership invitations to persons of sound and eccentric character without reference to nationality or political standings (notwithstanding damned cowardly Bolsheviks or bomb-toting anarchists). League members are free to belong to other associations and Orders as long as they do not utilise the League's premises and expeditions as as means to further nefarious plans.
Following his initial acceptance for trial membership, the candidate must complete the following induction steps:
a. Pay the initial membership fee and sign the total and utter secrecy pact
b. Stand each current member (and any guests in attendance) a round of beverages of their choice.
c. Participate in at least one hunt, from which the candidate must return alive and with a suitable trophy.

Upon completion of these induction rites, the member will undergo final screening by the Grand Council and, subject to this final assessment, accepted as a full member.

Rules of the Hunt
Members of the League agree to abide by the following Charter for the Hunt. Transgressions will be subject to punishment as decided by the Executive Committee. Possible penalties range from bar fines, the de-bagging ceremony, a hot crumpet from behind or explusion from the League.
1. Members will at all times behave in a sporting and civil manner toward all other members of the League and whatever bystanders as the members feels fit.
2. Expedition members will agree to share equally the payment of a gratuity to the families of staff, servants and porters who perish during an expedition.
3. Hunters may claim a kill if their shot dispatches the beast. It is most unsporting to pick off a quarry crippled by another hunter in order to claim the kill.
4. The morally reprehensible act of falsifying a claim or claiming that which belongs to a deceased hunting partner shall be expelled from this League in perpetuity, have all trophies destroyed, and be labelled a Bounder and a Cad.
5. Hunters shall never, ever, on pain of death, disclose the location of the hunting grounds.

Current League Standings

While it is base and uncouth to brags of one's exploits, it is appropriate for members to have the opportunity to pronounce their feats of courage in the face of adversity where they may be appreciated by peers of like mind and toasted in kind.

Name,No of Expeditions enjoyed, Notable Trophies.

Commander Plymsole-Lyne, RN, 2, 1 TRex.
Miss Victoria, 1, 1 Steg
Count Boris, 1, 2 Raptors
Pieter Koeniggard, 1, Nil
Lady Catherine Palmer, 0, Nil
Professor Nathaniel Wilson, 0, Nil

Noble and Revered Hunters of the Past
The Honourable Ronald Crawley, Esquire. A gentleman hunter of repute and a veteran of countless excursions, he was lost on the disastrous 'Smythe Expedition' of 1874. Only his silver lidded cognac flask was recovered intact.

Rittmeister Count Wilhelm von Schroeder.
An aristocratic Prussian of renowned Teutonic nerve and remarkably puffy cavalry trousers, he fell prey to an enraged T-Rex when his experimental Nordenfelt repeating rifle exploded in his face and shattered his monacle.

Messr Francois Bourbonnais. 
Famed for his perfection of the recipe for "Succulent oviraptor breast in a white wine sauce". Missing (presumed dead) when his converted river barge/gunboat caught fire (during a mid safari dinner party flambe) and upon jumping into the water to escape the flames, a hungry beast dragged him to the murky depths.

Pavel Ivanovich Budyonny
- A strange and barely known man, rumoured to have been a distant relation to the Tsar, whose portrait hangs in the main club dining hall for some reason...

Guiseppe Gnochhi Bersaglieri. 
A flamboyant character who tended to focus more on charming his female companions, he became embroiled in a duel during a hunt and while he prepared himself to fight his opponent with a foil, he was trampled to death by a rampaging sauropod.

Honorary Associate Member: Kavandish (first name forgotten).
Batman to the erstwhile Lord Suffolk, he selflessly threw himself into the jaws of a charging T-Rex in order to save his master, who was distracted at the time by a very tasty cucumber sandwich and a hot cup of Earl Grey.

Good Hunting and may God Bless Her Britannic Majesty!


dafrca said...

Interesting, so are you a member?


Tas said...

A founding member naturally!

Guyulysse said...

For the readers of this blog
a previews of tomorrow article

La Horde d'Or,
le samedi 3 mars 2007
La table l'expédition au dinoland 1/2

Tas said...

Fun looking table and great to see the youngers gamers getting into the spirit of thigns.

If I had a suggestion to make, it would be the extremely rude Anglo-centric one of requesting an English translation below the French text.

Thanks for sharing Guy!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!