Tuesday, 1 January 2008
Mad Scientist President?
Just to prove that all is not well in the former colony (and you shouldnt have rebelled should you?), a mad Scientist is now running for President. Of course, he cant be a very good mad Scientist if he is actually going through the democratic process rather than just seizing power through some kind of doomsday device...
Just in time for the Iowa caucus and owing to the fact that I am not entirely pleased with any candidate being offered by the major parties, I am glad to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. As I recently stated on the Exile Games forum, I will be running on the Mad Scientist party ticket.
At a recent press conference, one of my carefully placed plants in the audience raised a cunningly scripted question about my stance on zombies. Here was my spontaneously pre-packaged response:
I'm glad you raised that issue. Millions of Americans such as yourselves are rightly concerned with this clear and present threat to our way of life. My voting record will show a strong and decisive response to this concern based on three key principals: preparation, research, and response.
Preparation: I have repeatedly stated that zombie survival hinges on resource management. Therefore, through tax incentives to private citizens and auto manufacturers, I will strive to ensure that every household in America is prepared with a basic survival kit including water, chainsaws for both utility and defense, lumber to board up windows, and car batteries that will insure every car made in this country will start on the first turn of the key, even in the dark with a legion of Oogie-Boogies shambling towards you.
Research: Some of my detractors have suggested that we should ban all zombie-related research. However, this would mean that Al Qaeda has won. Such strictures would weaken our nation's economy and erode our God-given right to play Prometheus in our basement laboratories. We cannot allow America to suffer from a Zombie Gap any more than we can afford a Giant Robot Gap or a Deathray Gap. In the past, those of us in the Mad Scientist party have been accused of not doing enough to ensure adequate safety procedures in our zombie research facilities based on a few isolated incidents of our studies spilling over into the general population and leading to plagues of brain-munching ghouls. I will insist on the highest attention to safety; under my budget, for every 8 billion dollars spent on zombie research, companies will be required to spend $3.79 on a really good padlock to keep the undead blighters in their pens. That ought to take care of it.
Response: In the event of the inevitable zombie breakout, I will personally parachute into the afflicted area equipped with running shoes, camouflage cargo shorts, my kukri, a pump action shot gun, and all the ammo bandoleers I can carry. Within forty-eight hours, the zombie threat will be quelled. That is my campaign promise to you.
I hope I can count on your vote in the upcoming primaries. Vote for me and I'll put a ninja on every corner and two in between. Thank you.