Saturday, 13 May 2006

WAR WITH TURKEY!

FAILURE OF DIPLOMACY AS DEADLINE EXPIRES!

"THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT OVER THE MIDDLE EAST" SAYS FOREIGN SECRETARY SIR GORDON BENNET

HM FORCES ARE FULLY PREPARED FOR ACTION

DOMINION TROOPS FLOCK TO THE AID OF THE MOTHER COUNTRY

AN APOLOGY FROM THE EDITOR

In a day of far reaching consequence our correspondants have been hard pressed to assimilate and distribute the news concerning the Red Sea crisis. With the overwhelming amount of telegraphic communication being passed to the newsdesks of the world from a myriad of sources it has been a gargantuan task to present a fair, clear and not misleading overview of events. For this apparent lapse in our usually impeccable standard of reporting I can only offer our sincerest apologies and can say, without fear of contradiction, that we shall endeavour to resolve these technological issues to the upmost of our ability to ensure that the standard of communicaton from this journal will be of the highest order.

I am, respectfully, your obediant servant,

G. McArdle - Editor

From the Press Secretary of the Prime Ministers Office (Sir Giles Villiers - Roehampton, M.P. for Rye):

"Despite the very best and sincerest efforts on the part of Her Majesties Government to abate both the geographic areas of contention and the very obvious humanitarian issues in the Red Sea area it is with the greatest regret that the Government of Turkey has deemed it fit to ignore such proposals as would serve to alleviate the numerous tensions that exist at this time within this sensitive region. Despite many efforts on the part of this Government it is now obvious that no further dialogue will serve to dissuade the Turkish authorities from their desired course of action. These actions are to be viewed by this Government in the most detrimental of terms; so much so, that the only course of action that can be pursued is to reluctantly, and with the very greatest of regrets, deem a state of war to exist between the Her Britannic Majesties Dominions and those of the Imperial Ottoman Empire. With effect from midnight tonight, the 17th of May 1912, a state of war exists between those two aforementioned parties. A further announcement will be made in due course."

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND GODSPEED TO OUR GALLANT FORCES AND THEIR NOBLE ALLIES, THE BEDOUIN ARABS!

1 comment:

Tas said...

Huzzah for the Queen and her Gallant and Loyal Sailors and Soldiers!
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Time to pack up the drink cabinet and board ship - we are off to goive Johnny Turk a darn good thrashing! And woe betide any hun sausage eaters that get in our way too...

Now to the big decisions - which feathery hat shall I take on Campaign?

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!

An exploration of debauchery, vice and other reasons to be a man!